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Is there something wrong with ME?​
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WHY didn’t I see that coming?
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HOW can I tell if it’s a Red Flag? I thought it was kind of sweet!
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Now what can I DO?
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I really like this guy. Why am I starting to FEEL WEIRD around him?
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What if it’s just a YELLOW FLAG and there won’t be any more?
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It was JUST ONE Red Flag. I haven’t seen any more for a while?
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What ARE Red Flags, anyway?
Dating Scene Perils
If you are in the dating scene, or dating exclusively, Respect Red Flags was created for YOU with the intention of helping you to recognize Red (and Yellow) Flags to save you from encountering abuse of any kind. PREVENTING abuse in a dating relationship will reduce the number of women who suffer abuse. Statistics are staggering!
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HOW can we REDUCE the NUMBER of women WHO SUFFER ABUSE from a date or boyfriend? We CANNOT CHANGE THEM. We CAN INFORM AND EMPOWER OURSELVES! We CAN BE SMARTER!
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We all, as women, have something inherent called “women’s intuition.” Every person has intuition. Ours, as a woman, is super charged and fine-tuned to be extra sensitive to our surroundings and encounters with others. Your intuition will let you know when something is not right, or when you need to pay attention to something you may be overlooking or ignoring. And you must trust it. It can be a little whisper, a twinge in your gut, a ping in your spirit. PAY ATTENTION! LISTEN! Your intuition is protecting you. It’s guiding you to the best decision for you.
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"Difficulties come when you don't pay attention to life's whisper. Life always whispers to you first, but if you ignore the whisper, sooner or later you'll get a scream"
---Oprah
If you have any doubt about whether something is “off” or “odd” or “weird” and you’re questioning yourself and wondering what is happening, it is at minimum a Yellow Flag, but most likely a Red one.
What Exactly is a Red Flag?
A Red Flag is always a WARNING.
It’s telling you that there is impending danger ahead.
A Red Flag in a relationship will ALWAYS be followed by another and another and another…. There is NEVER JUST ONE RED FLAG.
Abuse of any type in a relationship will always escalate. Your job, to keep yourself safe and happy, is to recognize it by listening to your intuition, and TAKE ACTION. It sounds simple, right? It is simple. But not easy. Actually, it can be kind of scary, which is also why we are here. To help you through the doubt, fear and possible shame.
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Most relationship abuse is grounded in power and control. It may look and feel different for all of us. The timing, the depth of subtlety, the mannerism, the technique and tactics will differ. Their “M.O.” is the same.
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They want control over you.
So What Do
Red Flags Look Like in a
Dating Relationship?
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Talking down to you, making you feel uncomfortable and inadequate
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Insisting on spending all his time with you, wanting you to spend all your time with him and no time with your friends or family
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He constantly wants things his way
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You caught him in a solid lie
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He is extremely jealous
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He wants to make decisions for you, like ordering for you in a restaurant, when you want to order for yourself
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He has excuses for everything, like being late or not answering his phone
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He is quick to raise his voice to you, and consistently apologizes for it. He really “didn’t mean to do it”
GASLIGHTING: This form of abuse is a GIANT RED FLAG because it can be subtle and it is ALWAYS POWERFUL. It is a term taken from a 1944 movie titled GASLIGHT. In the movie, the husband wanted to take his wife’s inheritance, so he said and did things that made her doubt herself and her perspective on life. Among other things, like moving around pictures and personal items, one of the husband's tricks was to secretly dim and brighten the indoor gas-powered lighting, while he insisted his wife is imagining it.
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LOVE BOMBING: Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse where he goes above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you. It may feel good in the beginning, because we all want our boyfriend to be attentive. But he has a motive and agenda that leads to controlling you.
It may look like these examples:
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Excessively flatters and compliments you
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Constantly talks about his feelings for you
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Showers you with gifts
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Early on he talks intensely about his future with you
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GET OUT of the relationship IMMEDIATELY when you see the FIRST RED FLAG! The longer you stay, the more Red Flags you will detect and the more danger you will be in. Here’s where it gets a little tricky, because every person and every relationship is unique, so trusting yourself is of most importance when you are breaking up and exiting the relationship.
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Are you doing the right thing? If you know you have detected or experienced a Red Flag scenario, then YES, you are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing by leaving the relationship.
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What is the best way to approach the subject of breaking up? Usually, the best way to leave a relationship without causing anger and frustration is to “come from a place of contribution,” meaning you are breaking up for his benefit as much as your own.
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What does that look like? You may say something like, “I know you need to spend more time with your friends, and I really want to spend more time with mine. I miss them. I don’t want to be serious right now. I hope you can understand and respect that.” Stand firm, because he will most likely not agree with you, and start making you feel guilty, or stupid, or for the first time ever, like a princess. Be clear: remove words from your vocabulary like “kind of,” “sort of,” “maybe,” “might,” “don’t really.” One of my mentors, Brene Brown, says “Clear is kind. Unclear is Unkind.”
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Always, Always, Always Take Safety Precautions Before You Break Up! Even though he may not have shown any signs of anger thus far, better safe than sorry, so you should tell a friend or family member what you’re doing, where and when it will take place, and agree on a “safe” word that you can text to signal you may be in danger, or you need backup support. Men can get aggressive when they are rejected, and can be intimidating and controlling in very subtle ways.
What Should You Do If You
See Yellow Flags?
Once you determine the flag is definitely yellow, you are not having any “Pings” in your gut, and you are confident you want to move forward with the relationship, then you may want to gently address the Yellow Flag issue with him. If the Yellow Flag repeatedly shows up, you may decide it’s a deal breaker and to stop dating him. Remember, Yellow Flags are cautionary and don’t mean that you are on an abusive path. They could be, however, signs that the relationship is not right for you.
What Do Yellow Flags Look Like in a Dating Relationship?
Yellow Flags mean CAUTION: Keep an eye on it. Yellow Flags are more subjective, meaning a certain behavior may be concerning to one and acceptable to another. A Yellow Flag does not mean the relationship is definitely developing into an abusive one, like a Red Flag does. A Yellow Flag may simply mean you may think hard before you get into a serious relationship. CAUTION: He may not be worthy of you.
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Yellow Flags in a relationship may look like this:
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He brags about himself
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He has no friends
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He has no other interests and depends on you for all his needs
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He talks about his ex-girlfriends
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He talks about his family constantly
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He doesn’t want to ever talk about his family
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Discrepancies in his behavior, like he tells you how important you are to him, but isn’t attentive, not returning your calls. Talk is cheap. He can say anything at any time. It is his behavior that tells the truth. BEHAVIOR NEVER LIES
Basic Steps
For
Dating Abuse Awareness
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Recognize and Decide you are seeing a Red Flag(s)
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Be Determined and Firm about not continuing down this abusive path
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Take Action to end the dating relationship
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The purpose of DATING is to get to know him
in a deeper and more private way.
The more time you spend together on dates
allows you more insight into his life,
so you can better evaluate him
as someone you may want to keep in your life.
THE LAWS
of Respecting Red Flags
In a Dating Relationship
(Also Known as Aunt Lesa's Rules)
Law #1: Do Not Keep Secrets: There are secrets, and there are SECRETS. If there is something going on in your dating world that feels shameful or embarrassing, you need to tell someone like your best friend or sister or mom.
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Law #2: The NOW will ALWAYS trump the future: If you don’t like the way he treats you now, you won’t like it one, five or ten years from now.
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Law #3: LISTEN to your best friends (and family): Our best friends and family have our best interest at heart. If they see signs that something isn’t right, or you’re behavior seems strange to them, and they try to have a talk with you, LISTEN!!
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Law #4: ALWAYS pay attention to your INTUITION: Whatever you want to call it—gut, ping, twinge, flutter, whisper—it’s there for your protection, so pay attention to it!
We Must Support Each Other
As women, no matter our age, we should bond together and support each other.
Real Queens
Fix
Each Other's Crowns
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"Be The Woman
Who Fixes
Another Woman's Crown Without Telling
The Whole World
It Was Crooked."
